finally

ah an anonymous internet diary that i can safely release my innermost thoughts without the fear of getting harrassed by anons as well as being found out by one of my friends.

so how should i begin? with an introduction of myself and my early beginnings? to be honest i can't be fucked for all that so i shall get straight into it.

well there is this guy (oh how it always is, typical typical girl) who i've been practically not in love thats ridiculous but in 'like' with for over a year now. i like the idea of him but for some reason i dont really like him anymore but i still do somehow, all this twisted shit makes sense with my feelings for the boy.

now there is a slight catch to this little 'love' story, being that we went out for about 3 months (maybe not even, wow good work). i have this thing where i love the chase, not really the chase but being chased after, i love the game. i love all the wonder and excitement of those first few months when you finally admit to yourself that you like this kid and there may be a chance he likes you back. the first month together was a spiral of teenage insanity and 'love'. within the first hour of our date we were already in an intense hook up 'sesh' in the cinemas. throughout the whole day we couldn't keep our hands of eachother and it all went so fast, i felt unstoppable butterflies in my stomach and i felt like i was going to vomit them all out even whilst we were kissing. i felt like i wasnt getting enough and i was always hungry for so much more. is this what love is? i remember questioning myself this, this is teenage love isnt it? fast paced full of mistakes?

it is all a blur when i look back on it. there was drama, tears and i was sick of him by the second month. i wanted to hurt him and for some twisted reason it brought me joy, and he would do it to. it was almost like a game except the outcome was bad for both of us, what were we fighting for? a competition of who cares the least. my entire mood with everyone else would highly depend on how our relationship was going, ie. good terms = extreme high for everyone else, bad terms = extreme crying and bitchiness.

i was pushing him to his limits, i would openly pick out his flaws and exaggerate them. i have this thing with commitment as well, i get bored and crave adventure and excitement constantly it is why all my relationships end. but throughout all this we would still say i love you, joke around, hook up and pleasure eachother. then it all blew apart like i knew it would and i didnt even try to prevent it. i stood there shocked though i knew it all along he would finally break but i just didnt know what to do with myself. i walked away.

i went to my friends and laughed it off. i went home and cried all night at my cruelty and what has becomeof myself. for the last few months i wasnt myself, i was terrible. i lost a lot of friends, or put strains that may never fully be healed. i hurt everyone around me to some extent. all over this boy who i believed at the time i was in love with.

he still loved me to.

i know he did.

why else would we have hooked up 5 times afterwards and constantly be around eachother after such a break up? everyone else said we were happier like this, together. but were not good together. we clash. i expected myself over the new year to be gone with him and move on. i always do after a time period. but then i didnt.

i have a better control of my feelings and have not cried in front of anyone this year, 4 months in. i refuse to pile my problems on to anyone, well at least not too much and try to focus on getting more friends, meeting new people and have a friendship based on laughter and happiness, not those days when one of us comes running to the other crying. thats another thing im bad at, when someone needs help i dont know what to do.

we hooked up again. and then i decided i was going to get him back somehow but you know what after all these days? im tired, i really am i work every night except mondays, attend school and try to be something that most people would like or be proud of. its really tiring and i just dont have time for him anymore, soon enough all these distractions have filled myself with the dangerous belief that there is someone else out there for me. i dont deserve him after how i treated him anyway.

however 40% of me still wants him but i have this idea that by showing him i dont want him, he'll want me more and i knowe better this time that if this happens, ill stop playing my game. but nonetheless i dont care anymore and i give up, im fully content with just living with all this confusion that i may never know the answer to.